F DOT LEONORA

Maybe I wrote in invisible ink… “Invisible Ink” by Aimee Mann

Dear Diary, I did not want to tell him, I was going to do it all by myself. There were so many reasons, and I was almost fine to do it by myself. But I told him, I told him because he is my partner. I toLd him because it is…was ours and ours alone.

Rafe looked surprised, but not in the way I expected him to. I did not make my decision because I thought there was no chance. Or because I thought he would not make the decisions that I did. He looked surprised, but soft. He put his his hand on my stomach, but there was nothing there.

There was nothing now.

He said he would do whatever I wanted, that it was ours and whatever I wanted. What did I want? I was scared, I was happy, I was everything I could have been expected to be and nothing at all at the same time.

I lie down on Carla’s couch, silent, with my eyes closed thinking. Remembering as a little girl fantasizing about this very thing. About a special guy, about the ceremony with flowers and this very thing.

Rafe promised whatever I wanted he wanted and supported, and held me. He said he would be there, he never said that I had to…but I did…I do not know how to explain, but I had to…

Margaux put her fountain pen down, when the ink splattered with a tear from her eye. She reread what she wrote, and gulped. Without thinking about it, she ripped the pages out of her Moleskin.

She was sure she would not want to see those words again. If she needed to remember, her own nervous script would be memorized in her head and if she lost her memory…

She would be at peace…

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moleskin via wikipedia

Polly watched Oscar reading the complimentary English newspapers on the edge of her bed. She had woken up later than him, and was still naked under the covers. They had made it to her bed, after a very long night…

“Hand me the art section?” she asked sleepily.

The auction was later that evening, and she wanted to read everything about it in the paper. Polly was surprised when instead of handing her the newspaper, Oscar placed the paper on his lap and caressed her face.

“You’re beautiful…” he said, and she closed her eyes.

Polly rolled onto her back, and Oscar covered her within seconds. She gripped his back pulling him more to her. Her body remembered and relished him as a lover, and her mind was clear. Colin had told her that she could do whatever she wanted with Oscar, that it would make their relationship stronger. But Polly felt that she was not over Oscar, and she could not read his mind but he was making love to her like it mattered.

The newspaper crumbled under him, as he rolled onto his back, and she rolled on top of him. Oscar smiled, then kissed her. Polly sucked on his bottom lip, her fist landing onto the crumpled newspaper. She smiled as she realized what was happening between them was the latest news.

“Why are you smiling?” he asked her, tracing her lips with his finger.

“Secret smile,” she said, and felt said smile widen on her face.

“I’ll tickle it out of you!”
“You know I am not ticklish, that must be one of your other girls Jack…”
“You pretend not to be ticklish, and I give up because it is not fun after awhile…”

“I missed you,” Polly said without guile, again trying to read his face.

“I missed you…” He kissed her neck, and Polly closed her eyes as his mouth moved over her body with the intention to mark…

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new york times via wikipedia

Eliza wished she could blame what had happened on the alcohol she had imbibed with Rafe and Margaux, but she knew that she was going to call Oscar before the night was out. The time difference in Shanghai, was such that it was completely different times of day for them. But she wanted to talk to him.

“So did you fuck her?” she asked him, trying to sound nonchalant. 

“You are you asking if I fucked my ex-girlfriend?” Oscar asked her, mirroring her nonchalance.

Eliza gulped. If he had fucked someone brand new, it would not have been as painful as it would if he had fucked Polly. Polly was a threat because he had really loved her, and she knew that if he was not with her anymore it did not mean that he did not love her. Polly had not been a casual fling, Eliza was not even sure Oscar had those, no matter what he alluded to. He had only been with her and Polly, in the time that she knew him.

“Yes, I am asking exactly that.”

“I want to fuck her,” Oscar said. “I want to touch her, being here with her makes me think of when we were together. And then you, texting me while you are with your fiancé and his other.”

“I was thinking about you, I miss you…”

Oscar said nothing, and she followed suit with him. Said nothing because she was not sure what to say.

“I have missed you every day since I met you…”

“Oscar…”

“Eliza? Every day since I met you…”

“Oscar, don’t–”

“First I thought I was never going to see you again, then I did and then we started this and there was always something. Always something to keep you from me…”

Her head spun at the memories of how their relationship had started. It had been difficult, but she had always…

“I love you,” she whispered, tears blowing across her lips.

“I love you…”

Her chest heaved when she hung up the phone.

Why was love so heavy, that it weighed her down to the ground?

Rafe held her close in bed, and she was happy that his arm was about her waist so he could not feel her tears, along his arm…

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alcohol via f dot leonora