She still did not know his name but the way that he looked at her that made Mathilde pause. He studied her face in a way that she was not sure that anyone had studied it. He looked at her like he did not know what she was. Like he could see her and everything that she tried to hide.
He was a bit too knowing, and she really wanted to leave him at that point but he held her and was holding her body close to his as he looked in her eyes. Mathilde wanted to scream, but she could not scream because what was that going to prove? He was not doing anything to her–just looking at her but that was too much.
She did not want to be seen.
When she was younger, she had a boyfriend who she used to attach herself to. There was no other way to describe how she was with him. She held his arm and pressed close to him all the time. He was her first, and she was very vulnerable with him.
It was too much for him, she scared him off and she never wanted to need anyone like that again. She never wanted to disappear into anyone like that again, the way she had with him. She remembered feeling him tense when she was holding him, and it was because he was sick of her.
Before Graham, she had changed so much, she never gave much of herself to anyone.
Certainly not her clients.
It was easy for her to be with someone and then to roll over and leave. She wanted that now as the nameless man had let go of her, but continued to look into her eyes.
“What?” she smirked finally, she was going to regain control of this situation.
“What?” he copied her, and smirked back.
She just wanted him inside of her, like he had been and then she realized that she was still vulnerable all of the time. She wanted someone inside of her so she would not feel alone. But she knew that when she was with someone, that she was at risk for hiding in that person.
Mathilde did not want to be seen.
In the mirror, she saw she hid behind long dark hair, and that Paris had darkened around her.
He wrapped pulled her close to him, and she closed her eyes.
She wanted to disappear even if it was into him.
For now.
More Masturbation Monday here:
“She did not want to be seen” — probably the most honest introspective thought from her EVER.